🎉 2015 Recap


For a year in which a lot of stuff happened, the sum total of it doesn’t seem like much. And some of it I still can’t talk about, which makes taking stock of it in public (which seems like the way I process most things) hard.

jungle gym

The biggest physical change this year was my move this summer to the UES, which has ended up being something of a mixed blessing. I really do enjoy living my myself; the studio I’m in is plenty large enough for me and all my things, the building is nice and quiet, I like the neighborhood… but I’m also seeing other people less often, since I’m no longer sharing public space with anyone. I’m already moderately introverted – I don’t need that habit reenforced. At least my friends here in the city continue to make sure to invite me places and I really do enjoy hanging out with them! But this winter feels like it’s been harder to stay positive within than last year was.


What I feel like I’ve been confronted with over and over again this year is an increasing awareness of the gap between what I think I know and what I actually know. Mostly in a work sense but also personally. I’ve been sending about my resume, getting interviews… And doing much worse than I expected. Perhaps it’s that I was never challenged at my current job all that much, so I don’t have either the deep programming skills or the understanding of underlying systems configuration and monitoring that so many other places are looking for.

It’s a perfect amount of knowledge for dilettantism but not enough to do anything useful for anyone. So I’m contemplating switching back into something less technical for now, perhaps spending some time doing one of those bootcamps that claim to be able to teach anyone how to program. Get some fundamentals under my belt. It’d be nice to be able to talk about big-O notation and actually have some idea of what I’m saying.


I didn’t feel like this when I moved here without a job or an apartment. What’s the difference now? Now I’m much more aware of consequences, I think. I’ve got a much more permanent setup now, rather than when I landed at the airport with a suitcase.

The future’s all so hazy. That’s what eats at me, I think. I feel lucky, uncertain, and useless, which is definitely anxiety-forming! So I’ve been going into something of a defensive mode, fiscally and emotionally. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond to a woman who messaged me after a first date who said she’d like to see me again – the damn weight of what to say defeated me. And it’s absurd, of course, to think such decisions are so fraught that I can’t do something. But no one ever said self-sabotage was rational.